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tales of an ex-mormon

12-22-'99: about 10:00

tonight, I write from my sister's apartment overlooking downtown seattle. I would love to see the view, but it's foggy, of course. I'm here because it's the only way I can get up to where I need to be...my dad's car broke down in ellensburg and remains there. he had someone come pick him up there and is now at his brother's in bothell. sigh. so he'll come pick me up in the van tomorrow, not to be confused with The Van, of course. until then, hey, I have access to a fast computer and I get to chat with my wonderful stepsister, sommar, and her cat.

my sister was pissing me off today, really bad. she just kept nagging on me about everything. like, she was talking about seminary and I mentioned that I don't take that class and she goes off on me about putting other things above god. then, not 10 minutes later, she says "so what to paul get ME for christmas?!" UGH. I just wanted to tell her...if I believe hell existed, which I don't, then there are some people who could go to church or seminary or whatever crap all their lives and still go there. but she, of course, thinks that it's all about her self-image. she'll only do something good, like clean the kid's bedroom or go to church, when she thinks it'll benefit HER or make HER look good. it isn't her devotion to god that sends her to seminary, it's her devotion to HERSELF. and sadly, people's devotion is a lot like that a lot of the time. they aren't devoted to god, they're just devoted to getting their ass out of hell.

I personally don't believe that hell exists because it shows a lot of things that just couldn't be true, in my opinion. so lucifer, or whatever...satan...he gets exiled from heaven and is ruler of hell. but like...if people are bad, and god sends them to hell...doesn't that imply that this god works with satan? almost as an equal? if there is an all mighty power, it is one almighty power...none of this satan and god and whatever crap. I don't know what happens after we die, and I'm not really ready to find out yet...but this god must be pretty smart if he created the universe, so I imagine he has something a little more complicated in store than heaven and hell.

whatever, maybe I'm misinformed, but one thing is for sure...I was a mormon once, and I have no desire to do it again. I'm rather sour about organized religion in general...it's just another label you have to live up to, why restrict yourself so when there are so many ideas to share? each religion has limits on what you can and can't believe and I don't believe in that. plus, organized religion is swarming with fake people...people who pretend to believe just so they can look good in the eyes of everyone else. I don't know about you...but pretending to be something you're not doesn't sound like something that would please god a whole lot, to me anyway.

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