. . . o n e . m o r e . t i m e . . .

fill the void with...i don't care.

3-25-'xx: 6:53pm

hmmm. listening to that old mp3 playlist, the one that I made about this time last year. it's funny how time passes and some things stay the same, while some are so different. I remember sitting and listening to this same song, and the air smelled exactly like this. but things are different now. first of all, my heart isn't twisting in my chest, it isn't breaking every second. I'm not conviniently sticking it under his foot where he can step on it without notice....I don't present it back to him, mangled without explanation, expecting him to patch it up. well, at least for the past few days. actually....come to think of it...things haven't really changed that much. I'm just a year older, the scenery has changed a bit, and I have a horrible hacking cough that distracts me from my emotions. and I'm not going to hawaii in a week, either. goddamnit.

so anyway, I woke up this morning surprisingly early...9:30 or 10am. I proceeded to go down to my couch and take medications from my computer/medicine cabinet. three teaspoons of robitussin, one vitamin c pill, two dayquil liquicaps, one leftover blue G pill that makes my scalp feel funny. drink the remainder of a bottle of gatorade. proceed to phone to find out where my dad has gone off to so early. he was a rite aid, waiting in line to purchace *nsync tickets for my sister (taco, unfortunately, did not get tickets for us before they sold out. damn), and siad he might head over to see who was at starbucks. fine by me. took a shower, got dressed, etc.

after my dad had been home for awhile, and after I was fully dressed and operational, I suggested going to starbucks. I had a mad craving for starbucks tea. but he declined. so I decided to screw it all and went back to bed. I was just about to fall asleep when all of the sudden I just started coughing like mad. I was coughing so hard, I sat up. eventually, I coughed up some rather unpleasant stuff, including blood. I proceeded to ask my dad once again "hey, what did you say it meant if you coughed up blood? because I just did." that's when he forced me to go to the doctor's office. again.

so they call me in, blah blah. it must have been the drugs I took this morning, but I felt really happy-go-lucky. smiley. they called me in, weighed me, etc. the nurse I had this time was nice, not a cold hearted bitch like the last one (who didn't even take my pulse, blood pressure, or anything. and got mad because I didn't remember the last time I had my period). she smiled, and responded when I talked to her and asked her questions. then, I was left alone again in the small white room. I'm really starting to get sick of those small white rooms. I got a few magazines down and sat reading them....eventually moving to the chair in the corner because that padded table thing they have is not very comfortable. I finished the magazines and then proceeded to sit there, bored. I would lay down, and then stare out the window for awhile, look at the model of the bones in the had on the windowsill, stare at the celing. every so often, I'd tug at my hair to feel my scalp get all tingly because of the G pill. something like every 30 seconds.

after I'd waited in there for what seemed like an eternity, the doctor came in. I've stopped getting nervous, because I'm getting used to it, but I do wish they had clocks in those rooms. I don't like not knowing how much time has passed. anyway, so I say, "I'm baaack." and he asks me some questions, etc. he seemed really concerned, with the coughing up blood stuff and all. and wqhen he listened to me breathe with the stethescope he said my right lung sounded funny. he was considering doing a chest x-ray, but instead said we'd try one more drug, one that would nab the one bronchitis-causing bacteria that zithromax doesn't tend to get. and he said he'd give me some cough syrup. sweet jesus, finally.

so he perscribes me the calendar drug, the one that's on the calendar that was shoved in the corner...augmentin. makes me think of augmented chords. he brings in some samples and shows me the package, saying "they're kind of big." no shit! they're like horse pills! anyway, so if they don't work, I need to come back. and then I'll get an x-ray, probably. my right lung was the one that gave me problems when I got pnemonia or however the hell you spell it. I'm just glad I have some cough syrup. I hope this goes away, though. I'm all wheezy, I can't stand it.

anyway, so that was my adventure.

man, though...there's nothing like a song to bring you back. I keep listening to these songs and remembering parts of summers and winters and lonely days. rain and snow and sun. etc. ones I recorded, ones someone else recorded. that one where he can't quite hit the high notes so it comes out as almost a toneless, rushing breath...almost more beautiful than if he had done it perfectly. definately with more character. or synchonizing our CD players to this one. "we could all get together and say the same thing at the same time." songs I wrote and recorded...ones that mean everything, ones that mean nothing. those sweet baby songs that will forever remind me of sitting on a dark bus on the way back from the spokane tournement of bands, or those nights at band camp laying there wishing every one of my limbs would just fall off so I could be put out of my misery.

anyway. enough of my rambling.

i hope dinner is almost done. I have to take those goddamned horse pills with food.

b a c k / f o r w a r d